Thursday, December 2, 2010

Mustard seed faith or Munchausen by proxy

Yesterday we took Phinny for his check up and ultrasound with the urologist/kidney doctor. The doctor came in and said that his good kidney was doing great in fact the best he had seen it since he was born... I was happy to hear the good news since it was my birthday & that was one of my wishes. Yet after a few minutes of that sinking in I started to cry... I had done this before when the doctor told us good news about his kidney. so why then would I cry when I heard the good news but in the times I had heard the bad news I was just still, no tears?
So then it got me thinking and wondering if I had Munchausen by proxy a disease where mothers make there children sick so they can hear what strong, courageous mothers they are and people feel sorry for them.
Was this me was I upset because my child wasn't sick or in need of some kind of surgery? Please excuse the drama of this but it truly danced around in my head... last week when Pierce had MRSA when his hand got better I didn't feel as if I was relieved or praising God...
This got me thinking and assessing why I would feel this way and I came to realization that all along people have been saying what great faith I had but really my faith wasn't that great. In fact I don't even know if it was the size of a mustard seed. What I had found out about myself was that I have been setting myself up for these appointments with the boys to hear the worse news... If my heart was prepared to hear the worse then when I heard it I wouldn't be shocked, and thus be able to continue on saying how faithful God was. God is faithful.  He has held me up through all that we have gone through but where I started to lack faith was I stopped believing God had the power to heal them and make everything better. I started believing that God just didn't want that for our boys... I didn't realize that until yesterday.
So after looking up Munchausen by proxy and seeing whether or not I needed to start seeing a Psycholgist I realized what I really needed was to repent and ask God to forgive me and to help me in my unbelief.
In Mark 9:14-29 there is a father who has a son who is sick...
Basically Jesus walks up sees a bunch of guys arguing over this kid and what to do. They bring the boy to Jesus and  Jesus says " If you can believe all things are possible to him who believes" The father replies with " I believe but help me in my unbelief". And Jesus heals the boy.

The best part of this is when the father says I believe but help me in my unbelief.  This father had the faith to know Jesus could heal his son but he also knew his own heart, knowing it all sounded too good to be true...
How many doctors or other priests and such had this man taken his son to? How many of them either promised him his son would get better or looked at him as if he was being punished for his sins?
In the Strong's concordance talking of this passage it says " it expresses the dilemma that even those who believe can be nagged by doubt and hopelessness."  This is where I had found myself allowing the enemy to get into my head and cause me to ever so slightly start to doubt the goodness of God.
Thankfully I will not be shaving the dog today and/or going on a bunch of crazy meds I just have a case of Unbeliefen in my Gody...
So from today on when I start to catch myself preparing for the worse I will be turning that around to trusting and believing God can do the impossible.
This whole issue with trust is where I believe we should be like the little children they trust just about everything...
They believe the impossible I think for us as adults we have seen so much bad we just start to expect it and become comfortable in it.
One of my favorite stories of my Mum and her brother is one day my Mum was walking home and saw my uncle sitting in the bushes. when she asked him why he was sitting there he replied " well she just kept pushing me down and after awhile it just got comfortable so I stayed here." This is what we do we get so comfortable in our misery I know its easier for me to expect the worse than it would be for me to just wholly trust God has the ability to grow Phin a new kidney or heal Pierce in one fail swoop.
Trust and faith go hand and hand... Faith is trust in motion.
So whatever your situation is TRUST GOD, trust that He can make it better, trust that He knows what He is doing. Take that mustard seed of faith and go move a mountain because with GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!

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